Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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