I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
