Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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