he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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