i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
