I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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