I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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