Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
