sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
