If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
