I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
