Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
