I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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