I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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