What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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