Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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