Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
