Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I didn't notice because vodka
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
