Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
