you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
