i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
