Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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