Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
