Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
