I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
