Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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