This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i drank out of a bidet.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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