There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
