I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
