I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
