I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
