He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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