I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
