I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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