Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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