How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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