Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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