new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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