So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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