Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
