Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
