should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
