Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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