Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
