Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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