Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
