I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
