I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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