Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
