There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize