ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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