Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
