Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
