Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
