you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
