I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize